There has been something I have been wanting to blog about but haven't been able to, but after last night...I'm just frustrated. I know how this post is going to make me sound: evil, bitchy and heartless. But please just bare with me.
We are going to Ohio in a a few weeks to see Danny's 5 year old son, Kaleb. I'm excited to go, we had fun when we went up for Thanksgiving. We did all sorts of things with him, took him to see Santa, to a movie...lots of stuff.
Ever since since then we have been talking about having Kaleb for the summer. Danny's ex didn't think he would be able to stay the whole summer (at five, really..I couldn't do anything without my Mom!) Then she had the idea that she would come down here, stay with Kaleb during the day and Danny could have him during the nights. I don't think this is how joint custody works...but maybe that's just me!
Danny kept talking to me about it, I kept getting nervous. The whole summer...me and a five year old? Danny's at work. What am I going to do with a five year old? My goal was to have a job this summer, so who would watch him? A babysitter, right? Well, whenever money is brought up...I freak out. So I thought I could stay home with Kaleb and...hangout? Well, again...money. I have no problem sitting in the house, no air, no tv. I find things to do. But I have a feeling a five year old is going to want to watch his shows...and not sweat his little butt off!
One night I brought these things up with Danny. I'm sure it made it sound like I didn't want Kaleb here, but really...I was just expressing my worries. And he understood some of it. Mostly the issue of me being with him all day, Danny working early in the morning to who knows when at night...and only having weekends with Kaleb....and me.
It was decided that two weeks would be good. I can fit a lot of fun stuff into two weeks. I can bake with him, arts and crafts, baseball games, beach. Danny wants to go fishing. Fun stuff! I was actually starting to get excited about it. I say I don't like kids, but really...I like to spoil them.
Danny and his ex don't talk much, if the phone rings it's Kaleb on the other end...and when Danny calls him she gives the phone right to him. But obviously they had to talk about arrangements. One night last week they started to make a plan. We would go up there for the weekend and bring him back here for two weeks, they would meet half way after the two weeks. Of course she says "you're backing out." And then texts him "I don't have a car, I can't meet you half way." (who has three kids and no car? Yes, I don't drive but if I had kids I sure as hell would have a car!)
Kaleb calls everyday to find out how much longer it will be until his Daddy is up there. The number keeps keeping smaller, and the calls are getting more frequent...and the questions are getting more annoying.
Me and Danny are old. And by old I mean, we go to bed at 9:30 and have no problem with that. Last night just as I was falling asleep the phone rang. I could hear his little voice on the phone wanting to know how many days, and then I couldn't make out the questions anymore. When Danny hung up I asked what he was saying. He said "I'm not really sure, all I could hear was his mother in the back telling him what to say."
The question that got to me? "Who's going to babysit him?"
If I was a mother, I'm sure this wouldn't bother me. But let's do a simple evaluation here: Danny is in the Marines, he will have to work. Danny is married. Danny's wife doesn't have a job. Hm...let's see...who do YOU think is going to babysit?
I know what she is doing. She wants Danny to say it's me. Then she can say "I'm not comfortable with that." Giving Danny no other choice to NOT take Kaleb back with us...she will then tell Kaleb that it's because Daddy doesn't want to take him. She's crazy, I can think crazy...I know what she is doing.
I think it's hard for me to express how I really feel about all of it. I always knew about Kaleb, Danny never hid the fact that he was a Daddy from me. But I think I was naive about it. I knew somewhere down the line we would have him for weekends, summers..whatever. But three months into being married, our first married summer together...I didn't have that planned. It worries me, makes me anxious...and makes me feel like such a bitch. What's making it a little harder for me is Miley. I get so frustrated with Miley. What's it going to be like with Kaleb? With both of them here?
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
Posts
Ok, First things first. Do not worry. I think that his mother wanting to come out isn't such a bad thing. Maybe she wants to see where her kiddo is going to be, and she wants to make sure he's safe. I know *you* know he will be safe.
ReplyDeleteThere are TONS of things to do with 5 year olds. Is there a lake near you? A zoo? Arts, crafts, reading, the park, baking.
On the bright side, he's most likely toilet trained so diaper changing for you ;-) (I can't wait for my kids to be out of diapers.) He's able to tell you exactly what he wants and needs.
I know the calls are getting a little annoying, but really... he's probably just really excited to see his dad. :)
Don't think of the time that you'll be alone with your step-son as "baby sitting," think about it as it's time you get to spend with a piece of your husband one-on-one and that you get to know, hang out with, do fun stuff with, and even get to love on.
If he's really concerned about what the ex will say about his son being with you, he really needs to reassure her that you're not some monster out to hurt her baby. She can't LEGALLY not let his son go with him for *his* visitation just because she doesn't know you or like you or whatever the case is. That is his son too.
Don't feel like a bitch. All those feelings you're feeling are very normal. I think your step-son will warm up to the pup very well ;-)
Just be thankful that you guys even get to spend time with his son... there are some of us out there who would love nothing more then to have a relationship with our step-children... and for them to meet our children. (That's right, my kids have never met their brother because my husband's exwife won't abide by the court order and we don't have the money to take her to court.)
I think you'll do great though when your step-son does visit :)
Man I'm sorry you're going through such a hard time with this... my friend who has joint custody of his kid deals with something similar with his wife and his ex. It's hard! I'm sure it is NOTHING about you and everything to do with her insecurity. Keep your head up!
ReplyDeleteOh man! What a hectic situation! My brother (we share a dad but have different moms) was raised his entire life by his mother telling him "daddy left you for a new family" which wasn't the case. My dad and the lady got divorced and 6 years down the road re-married my mom who already had a daughter and they had me. But for kids it is really hard to understand and my brother still doesn't completely trust my father. The sad fact is unless you guys see him more and talk to him without the influence of his mother it may just be her being bitter with the fact that she doesn't want someone else raising her kid. The best you two can do is just keep trying, eventually he should see the real issue isn't his dad but his mom.
ReplyDeleteI really don't know what to say expect that once he is there I'm sure you will do fine. He's five not five months. I bet he'll love Miley and you will have tons of stuff to do together.
ReplyDeleteTake a breath ~ you are going to do just fine! It's overwhelming to think about all of the "what ifs" but when rubber hits the pavement...you will find your groove.
ReplyDeleteI'm sure you will do just fine! Once he is there you will get into a routine and things will be great :)
ReplyDeleteThings will work themselves out, But I can understand the stress. Just try to relax when he gets there things will fall into place. And Kids are different then pets when it comes to the way we react to don't stress about things that aren't there yet. Chances are he will get there and the two weeks will fly by and you will miss the lil guy when he goes back home.
ReplyDeleteYou'll be fine and I'm saying this from the other end. I sent my almost 5 year old to his dad's 2 days ago. I freaked last summer when he went. He has always been with me and I didn't think he would ok without me. Turns out he was fine. Last summer he went for 5 weeks, this time it's the whole summer. He talks to his Dad alost everyday and was so excited about going. He cried when I dropped him off. He didn't want me to leave, but I know that ended fast. I worry about him, but I know he'll be fine.
ReplyDeleteGirl I'm sorry! I don't think I could do a "ex-wife/ex-gf/baby mama" thing. I don't have the patience for the craziness so major props to you. Hopefully everything works out and you guys get your two weeks and she lays off on the drama!
ReplyDeleteYou are more than welcome!
ReplyDeletehang in there, it will all work out!
ReplyDeleteAww, Im sorry you are having to go through this. I agree with others that you should try to stay out of it as much as possible (between your hubs and his ex) and just be there for the child. It will all work out just fine.
ReplyDeleteIm seriously not trying to sound bitchy at all when I say this BUT....when you married Danny you automatically became Kalebs step mom. That doesn't mean babysitting by any means. It means being his step mom. Plus summer time activities are SO much fun. And now that you have a step-son...should you think about getting your license too? Swim lessons, ice cream, beach, playdates. There is lots of fun activities to do and it will be a great bonding experience for you both!! Try to stay positive. Im sure trying your best with Kaleb would mean a TON to your new husband too :)
ReplyDeleteI have to say the all of the above advice is sound. I really have to give kudos to the first commentator-she really hit the nail on the head.
ReplyDeleteI happen to have first have experience in your shoes. Being a step-parent is the absolute my difficult thing I have ever done in my life. It is a very hard balance to achieve-doing what is right for your own life and still worrying about how all decisions affect someone you see once or twice a year. One thing that took me years to realize was that I was inevitably connected to his ex wife. And I will be damned if that woman doesn't make some bonehead decisions in her life. The bottom line is when she messes up-we have to deal with it. And oh boy does it piss me off. But it's not about me, it's about the kids. So we deal-together. We see them as much as we can. Deal with her bad decisions and help out financially when we are able. The key is to set boundaries with her. Have your Hubby explain what you are able to do and not able to as far as visits and financial support to her in no uncertain terms. Send the kid a small package every month-with dollar store stuff, stuff he likes and card signed by both of you (even Miley can "sign" the card) that way even if you aren't able to take him for long periods of time he knows you are thinking of him.Your husband cannot sugar coat any expectations-he needs to tell him-I am picking you on "x" date and you are staying with daddy for "x" amount of time. It will lessen the little guys anxiety about when he gets to see his Pappa.
On a more personal level, we found that our family begin to "mesh" once his kids called me Mom and my son called him Dad. His kids call me their Army Momma or their California Mom. My son tries his best to call my husband Dad. We have found that the kids feel more secure this way-they know their step parent is not a transient figure in their lives. The have more respect for us too.
Whatever balance you find please keep in my mind that you will need to flexible-Your little step son's Mother's life sounds hectic and she may or may not be emotionally stable. You may need to be the example of good parenting for him at one point. Stay strong and consistent and he will appreciate your efforts later on. Good luck-remember you aren't alone. :)
I'm sure you will do just fine hun!!! I know it sounds slightly overwhelming to have to deal with a 5 year old all by yourself when you aren't a mother yourself. I have a feeling that you will be fine! The ex sounds like a crazy biznotch, haha. I wish you the best of luck with this, I wish I could give you more advice but I'm really not experienced enough with this type of stuff. I'll be thinking of you though! Let me know if you need anything. =)
ReplyDeleteThe wonderful thing about young kids, is everything is fascinating, because it's all new to them. I'm sure he's going to have a blast, its his vacation and he gets to see his dad! He'll be easy to entertain ( wait until they become teenagers and they're no longer easy to entertain!) Consider it a growing experience . :)
ReplyDeleteMuch like a military wife, it takes a certain type of person to become a stepmom. It's a challenging role as you realize you have taken on a HUGE part of his past (his ex) and she is not just his past but now YOUR future. Feel free to gripe about his ex all you want, as long as it's not in front of Kaleb :) Don't worry about entertaining him, I'm sure he'll entertain you more than you will need to put forth effort. Just have energy :)
ReplyDeleteI think because you don't have full custody you don't really need to get involved with her, but you should try to be polite that way at the end of the day you know (and Kaleb knows) you aren't the evil stepmom she is making you out to be. Whatever your feelings are about this situation you need to let go of before he comes because as uncomfortable as this situation is for you, imagine how it feels for him. I don't agree with having him call you mom, not yet. Not until he's ready and once he is be prepared for her to freak out. Only natural though since she will see you as a threat. As long as you show her you aren't intending on replacing her (at least not yet haha jk).
Just remember Kaleb didn't ask to be born into this situation and if you love your hubby, you must learn to love everything about him including his son.